I Remember Now
The Day I Remembered Who I Am
I Remember Now
I woke up today with a clarity I haven’t felt in years. Maybe ever.
Yesterday, I sat down and wrote a book in a single day. It poured out of me like it had been waiting for the exact moment to arrive. And when I woke up this morning, I realized something—something so simple, yet so profound.
I had no urge to reach for the coping mechanisms that have held me for so long. No pull toward smoking, no restless searching for distraction. The part of me that needed that… she is healed now. She was met in the writing.
So I did what I always do—I went for a walk.
Seven kilometers, the same familiar path. But today, something was different. Usually, my walks are filled with thoughts. Endless loops of how—how will I move forward, how will I navigate my relationship, how will I create the life I dream of? But today, there was no how.
Today, there was just knowing.
This version of me, the one who has met every past version of herself and welcomed them home, doesn’t need to figure it all out. She doesn’t need to obsess over the next step. She doesn’t walk alone anymore, desperately trying to survive the next moment.
She remembers now.
And remembering makes her stronger.
At the halfway mark, I sat down on a stone, pulled out my phone, and started to record a message for you. I wanted to tell you:
“I remember now. I remember who I am.”
And at that exact moment, I looked up—and saw a swan flying toward me from one direction. And an eagle soaring toward me from another.
Swan and eagle.
My secret sign for integration.
Maybe nothing else will change. Maybe this healing won’t lead to anything other than exactly this.
But even if that’s the case, I now stand on a foundation I didn’t have before.
I am not trying to hold myself together anymore.
I just am.
The rest of this reflection is for my paid subscribers, where I’ll share more about what this shift means for me moving forward and how I plan to integrate it into my life and work.
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